


Are you sure?

by ravensilverwing



Category: Linkin Park
Genre: Alternate Universe, M/M, Slash
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2010-02-19
Updated: 2010-02-19
Packaged: 2017-10-07 09:15:57
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 1
Words: 13,493
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/63669
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ravensilverwing/pseuds/ravensilverwing
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>In an alternate universe where slaves are bought, sold and trained for everything from pleasure to companionship, Chester is a black collar, worthless except as a pleasure slave. He's purchased by Brad who already has one slave, a white collar, Mike who was trained to be his companion from birth.</p><p>Chester expects rape and to be beaten and cannot understand why it's not happening. When he loses his temper and hurts Mike he's sent away to learn that perhaps his life doesn't have to be about pain anymore.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Are you sure?

Prologue

 

“Are you sure?”

Buyers. Great.

 

Silence. Soft murmur.

“But are you sure?”

 

Roll a shoulder, tuck my arm in closer. Still aching after the last beating, that last rape rougher than usual. And rough is the usual.

“I don’t know.” Same voice again.

Crack open an eye. One tall, thinish, messy hair, diamond stud earrings. The other…white. Not just normal white, no. Snow iridescent pure white collar. Glance up. And dark eyes…our eyes meet.

“Mike are you sure?” So serious. The guy that’s doing all the talking. Diamond studs. Master.

“Yes.” White collar, dark eyes is answering.

Tears his eyes away to look at the Master.

“I was right about Phe.”

“Yeah but…” gesturing at me, not even looking.

 

Roll up to sitting. Can’t even get to my feet. Too sore, tired, hurt.

The Master finally looks over. His eyes dark too.

“Jesus.” Hissing.

The other one is silent now, just waiting whilst the Master breathes in, pauses.

“Alright.” Slightly breathless. “Alright. Stay here.”

He just nods, stares at the ground a moment then up at me as his Master walks away.

 

Silence. We just stare at each other. He looks uncomfortable, shifts restless, glances up and down the hallway. It’s empty. Just us.

“You’re coming with us.”

I’d already figured that one out. Keep silent. So white wants a toy? A new toy? Phe no longer a fun play thing. Continue to stare at him. He shifts more but doesn’t come closer to the bars. Bet he’s never seen the inside of bars. Ever.

“We’ll take care of you.” Quiet, eyes direct.

Snort. Stay silent but finally look away.

 

Us? We ha? So it’s true about the white’s. They really are that conceited. Forgotten that they’re all just slaves like the rest of us. Just not around for fucking. Oh no. They get educated. Companions. Sneer. Guess Mr Companion likes a few toys now and then.

 

Glance back and his face is unreadable. He opens his mouth but hears footsteps and keys. They’re coming round to release me. His Master touches his arm, pulls him out of the way of the guards.

“Are you sure?” quiet again, looking directly at him.

He just nods.

***

“I have rules.”

He stands above me, not looking impressed. I’m clean, dressed. Sitting on a comfortable bed, in a comfortable room. Bed. Desk. Table. Couches. Window. Second floor. It’s fucking huge.

“Chester!” sharp, impatient.

Stare up at him, don’t even try to keep the anger off my face.

“If you hurt Mike I’ll sell you. No second chances, no excuses.” Harsh, unhappy. “The same goes if you hurt anyone here or anyone that visits. I don’t care what you’re used to. I won’t tolerate it.”

He paces a few steps, arms crossed.

“Stay out of my room, away from the studio, unless Mike takes you in there and if he does do not touch anything!” very direct, staring down. “If you run I’ll confine you.” Simple.

Guess he heard all about my colourful record. I’m surprised they even sold me.

 

A long pause where he looks away, blushes before he looks back.

“I didn’t buy you for sex.”

Gee never would have figured THAT out. He stares at his feet.

“I don’t expect anything from you…in that respect.”

Hell he’s embarrassed by it!

 

***

 

“This is a bad idea.”

“They said he can sing.” Distracted.

“They also said he’s violent.”

A pause.

“His last Master liked it if he tried to fight, get away.” Quiet.

“Mike.” Soft. “He’s not like Phe. Phe was…he just needed you to explain it to him. Chester…”soft sigh. “He won’t even talk to you.”

“He’s just scared.”

“No Mike. He’s not.”

Resigned.

“If we sell him he won’t survive the next Master.” Fear. “They’ll kill him.”

Sighing.

“Alright.” Soft. “If it’s what you want.”

“He’ll get better. I promise.” Finally looking up.

 

***

 

“No!”

“But…”

“NO!”

“He…”

“NO Mike!”

“Please.” Begging.

Brad stopped pacing long enough for Mike to touch him.

“Please. They’ll kill him. Please Brad.”

“If he hurts you again I’ll kill him!” angry. So angry.

“He won’t. It…it was just a misunderstanding. I just…I shouldn’t have kissed him.”

“Mike.” Sighing. “All he had to do was say no. You wouldn’t have forced him.”

“He doesn’t know that. He doesn’t understand. Every Master he’s ever had he’s had no choice. He either fought them off or they raped him.”

“But you’re not trying to rape him! I know you, you wouldn’t even…”

“But he doesn’t know that!”

“He doesn’t listen!”

“He doesn’t trust us.”

“Alright. Fine. But I have an idea and if he fucks it up he’s going. I’ll sell him.”

 

***

 

“I’m not going to try anything. I’m sorry about before.”

So it’s all a misunderstanding. The fact he wants to fuck me. But he didn’t. Pulls away, flinches if I get too close. If I invade his personal space. Roll back to my side of the bed. Stop toying with him.

 

Brad moved us into the same room. Together. One big bed. Told us to sort it out. Warned me if I ever hurt Mike again he’d hurt me.

 

So it’s dark and he’s sticking to his side of the big bed. So big we can’t touch by accident, only if we try hard enough. We’re not trying.

“You…You can say no. If we…if I…if there’s something you don’t want either of us to do. If we suggest anything. You can always say no.”

Snort at him. Refuse to listen to this absolute bullshit. He sighs, shifts closer, reaches out. Shove him away, push hard and slide out the bed backwards. Can’t say no. Not allowed to say no. Can never, never ever say NO! Just try, push, shove, fight with everything and never say no. Because he owns me. They all fucking own me! Start to pace.

“Chester come back to bed.” So soft.

I’d rather sleep on the floor. But I can’t say that either. Keep pacing.

 

Part One

 

Blah blah confined to this room, blah blah unless Paige blah blah blah. Don’t touch Amir. Don’t talk to Amir. Don’t go anywhere near Amir. Obligatory threat. Who the fuck is Amir? Violence will not be tolerated. Blah blah blah. Last chance. BLAH fucking BLAH!

 

Am I really supposed to care? I mean really? One Master after another. Are they seriously trying to convince me that ‘Brad’ is different? Snort. Sneer.

 

The tall guy. Call me Jay. Sighs.

“You’ll eat meals with us or I can have something sent to you here. It’s up to you.”

Up to me? Really? Wow. I’m ecstatic. Can’t you read it on my face? I have a choice! Oh my god the world is ending, I’ve been turned upside down. I’ve seen the fucking light! Snigger. He leaves.

 

Lay around on the bed and wait for Paige. Just know I’ve got about an hour, maybe less before he rocks up. Don’t bother to examine the room in detail. Basic single bed. No windows. Small table and a chair in the corner. Stare at the ceiling, ankles crossed, palms over my stomach. The picture of calm.

 

I guess I’m lying cause I’m not really all that calm. Stomach kind of fluttery. Try to will it into submission. Like it really doesn’t matter if they sell me on but…I guess it does. Cause I could be dead in a few hours, days, months if they really do sell me. And what’s a little fucking if it keeps Mike happy and me safe? Maybe I don’t want to keep fucking, living, maybe I’m sick of all this shit and I’m ready to end it. Maybe that’s why I was fucking with Mike. Or maybe I really am still scared to die, cause the door opens and it’s suddenly hard to breathe. I don’t want to die. And if I don’t want to die I don’t want to be sold, cause if I get sold I will and I know, yeah, this is a cushy Master and maybe I know I should just stop pushing and just lay back and take it.

 

But I can’t…I can’t just. Try to swallow. To breathe.

 

Dark hair, spikes long and messy. Clear blue eyes. Strong cheek bones, jaw line. Short, stocky. He looks wary. I feel sick. He hasn’t even met me, doesn’t know me and he’s scared of me. So I don’t sit up, don’t make any sudden moves.

 

Cause what I did with Mike…I was just...I was just fooling around. I didn’t mean…He’s white, he’s not…and yet…they sent me away. Sent me here cause I practically raped the guy. It wasn’t, we didn’t…he…I didn’t. It was just…I just jerked him off, made him cum. He liked it, he came but…he kept saying no. That I didn’t have to when really, he didn’t want me to. He really didn’t want me to.

 

He stops just inside the door. Doesn’t close it, leaves it open. So he can escape I guess. Sit slowly, let my feet hit the floor.

“I’m Paige.” Long pause.

I don’t speak. Can’t answer.

I’m disgusted at myself. Can’t meet his eyes. He knows what I’ve done. I just…they would have told him. Warned him.

“Do you want to go outside?” And there’s a quaver in his voice.

Don’t look up, just nod. Let him lead the way.

 

It’s all sunshine and birds outside. Courtyard garden with high walls. Stone benches, hedges, flowers. All it’s missing is a water fountain. Paige is silent and I haven’t said a word. Palms sweaty. I don’t have any words. He’s obviously had his mind made up for him. I’m dangerous. Violent. Rapist.

 

“Mike said he’s sorry.” Suddenly breaking the silence.

Makes me jerk, blink rapid, shocked. He just wanders away a few steps, sits on a bench under a huge tree. Or part of the tree, the main parts not in this courtyard. He looks up at me, making sure he has my attention.

“He didn’t want to send you away but Brad thought…” he shrugs. “You don’t seem to get what’s going on.”

“And that is?” demanding.

I never said I had any patience. He flinches.

“Brad’s like Jay. He doesn’t treat us like slaves.”

Sneer. Snort but wary.

“And you know all about being a slave don’t you Paige.” Standing over him, cutting off his sunlight, arms crossed tight over my chest.

He swallows and licks his lips, tires to breathe deep and fails.

“I had sixteen Masters before Jay, nine long term.” Quiet. “So yes. I know all about being a fucking slave.”

He looks angry now. Stands and brushes against me. Feel it like a burn but I refuse to step back.

“If you’re too stupid to understand maybe I shouldn’t waste my breath.” Snarling now.

He has to look up to look at me fully but he’s angry and despite the height he’s not someone I’d want to fight with.

“Then explain it to me.”

Not sure if I’ll believe anything he says.

“You won’t listen. You don’t want to listen.”

Stepping forward, forcing me back.

 

Sudden painful wish that Mike were here. Force it back, refuse to admit it, refuse to, I just can’t.

 

Paige just shakes his head.

“If you have a death wish go ahead, let them get rid of you.”

Keep my mouth shut, refuse to admit to anything. Like maybe wanting Mike, missing him, wishing he was here cause he’s patient, doesn’t get angry, doesn’t…And I forced him. Cause I’m not patient and I don’t understand. And here comes the nausea again. I’m sick, disgusting, just like all those Masters I’ve had.

***

I get to see Amir at dinner. He’s smaller than even Paige. Who refuses to talk to me even if he keeps watching from across the table. Not that I’m talking exactly. Haven’t said a word, keeping my mouth firmly shut.

 

So Amir’s this exotic creature. All dark eyes and caramel skin. Two toned gold and dark hair. Wary, almost frightened till Jay pulls him closer, says something softly in his ear. To which he shakes his head. No. Whatever it was the answer was no. And Jay just nods, kisses his temple and goes back to eating.

 

“Amir is…” I can’t find the word, at least not an accurate one.

I’m sitting with my back against a high, plant covered wall. Paige is sitting on the stone bench a little way away. He just went from relaxed, enjoying the sun to tense, eyes piercing, all at Amir’s name.

 

Flounder for a word to encompass it as he just glares, hard and unforgiving. But they never said I couldn’t ask about him, or talk about him. At least I’m pretty sure that wasn’t on the list of Amir-related rules. Swallow. Take a deep breath.

 

“He…”

I want to pace but he doesn’t like it when I do. Gets all tense and angry, defensive. So I’m trying not to. Figure he had some Master that did it, liked to lash out. I’ve had one of those, know what it’s like, waiting for the blows to start. The pacing to stop. The rape, beating…

 

Watch my knuckles turn white and can’t seem to stop.

“Hey.” He looks worried. “You alright?”

Stare, glare, growl at him. Want him to back off but he didn’t get any closer. And that inexplicably stupid thought again. That I wish Mike was here. Wish I wasn’t spending nights alone. And crashing on the heels of it how much I hate myself for becoming one of them. Just like them.

 

It’s not that it’s suddenly hard to breathe, more like I just can’t. Breathe. No air. No space. No sky. No escape. No…and I just…I can’t.

 

***

 

Come to in my bed. It’s later. Feels late but I don’t know. No windows and all that. Jay’s sitting at the little table. Watching. Waiting.

“Does it happen often?” quiet but serious.

Just when no one’s watching or Mike catches me at it, tries to wrap an arm around me and catches a flying fist. Doesn’t tell Brad. But I didn’t mean it that time. Didn’t mean to hurt him. Can only hope he understood that.

“Brad didn’t tell me about them.”

That’s cause he doesn’t know. Thought Mike would tell him but maybe he didn’t.

“Does he know?” frowning.

Carefully shake my head.

“Is it confined spaces?” very serious, slowly standing.

 

Feel my heart rate get hard and rapid as he gets closer. If I say yes he’ll use it to…

“Come with me.” Soft, gestures at the door then heads for it.

 

He leads down a few hallways, past nice, open windows. Opens a door half way down a wider hall. He vanishes inside and all I can do is follow. I just…if he wants…I can just…I could run but then…Try to breathe, swallow hard. Straighten my back, rub sweaty hands on my pants, follow him into the room.

 

It’s…bigger. More like the one at…with Mike. Windows, lounges and a bigger table with four chairs.

“You can stay here.” Turns to watch me. “Was there anything from the other room you wanted?”

Shock. Blink. Stare at him. Finally close my mouth and shake my head, though I can feel my eyes are still wide. I used to be better at hiding things. At least, before I stopped caring, stopped trying to hide this shit. He just nods.

 

“Why did he move me?”

We’re outside again. Not the courtyard this time. There’s still walls but they’re further away, almost hidden in the trees. Paige looks edgy, hasn’t come away from the wall under that enormous tree. Walk over and drop down against the big roots. Instantly he looks more relaxed. Frown and try to figure it out. Maybe it’s cause I’m sitting, not hovering.

“He thought you’d like the bigger room, with windows.”

Frown. Stare. Blink. He thought I’d ‘like’ it? What the fuck? Since when does a Master care what I like? Except apparently Jay does. Unless he’s trying to get me to…I don’t know but there has to be some reason. A real reason.

 

I want to ask about Mike. What else he said. If he hates me. If he’s sacred of me now. Disgusted.

“Did Mike say anything else?”

If I keep it quiet, maybe he won’t hear me. Then I won’t have really asked. Like I really care. Cause I don’t…I just…I want to know.

“No.” he watches me closely. “But you can talk to him if you want.”

Shake my head. And say what? I’m sorry I almost raped you? Sorry I’m a fucking idiot who has no idea what the fuck is going on or why you sent me here or what the fuck I’m supposed to get? Learn? Understand? No. I have nothing to say to him.

 

***

 

“He doesn’t talk much. And he’s angry and he really, really doesn’t understand.”

Disappointed silence.

“But he asked about you.”

“So he doesn’t hate me because we sent him away?”

“I don’t think so.”

Relief.

“Tell him I’ll see him in a few days.”

 

***

 

I know I’m not supposed to walk around alone. But the doors unlocked and there’s nothing to stop me. This house is…it’s not the same. It’s no bigger or smaller, it’s just different and…but…it’s similar. Not like other Masters houses. There aren’t any women here and the hallways go on forever. And there’s lights, lots of lights, and carpet, and rugs and these Masters must have money. It’s the only thing that makes sense.

 

I wander for awhile, get lost, lose all sense of direction. Find myself in an even nicer part of the house. Bedrooms, a study, small dining room. And then I find them. Jay stroking a hand through Amir’s hair, kissing him slowly. Amir’s head tilted up to give him better access.

 

Paige suddenly beside me, making me jolt.

“You shouldn’t be here.”

Stumble back, even as Amir slides over Jay’s body, on top of him. Blink shocked. Jay’s watching him with this eager wonder, like Amir doesn’t do this often, or every time’s a treat. Paige carefully touches my arm.

“Come on.” Quiet.

“Shouldn’t you be.” Gesture towards the door.

Soft smile.

“Maybe later. If I want. If Amir wants to share.” A grin then.

If Amir wants to share? Not Jay? And Jay’s letting Amir do whatever he wants. Including unbuckling his own belt and guiding Jay’s hand inside. All the while kissing. Hot and deep. Jay’s free hand buried in his hair. Looks soft, sleek.

 

Paige touches my arm again. Doesn’t grab. Just a soft touch.

“Come on.”

Stumble along after him. Following.

“I don’t get it. Jay likes being a bottom?”

“Not particularly.” And he actually sounds sort of…fond? Happy? What the fuck?

“Is this a…I shouldn’t ask thing?”

“We share. We all like being in control, being on top but we can’t always be on top. And there are definite benefits to being on the bottom, or even better, in the middle. But then I guess you’re still being a top.”

“So the three of you fuck?”

He just nods.

“Yeah.” Quiet. Sounds happy, fucking fond again.

“And Jay gets what he wants.”

“Sometimes.” A pause. “We all get what we want.”

This shit, these fucking people, make absolutely no fucking sense. Or Paige is seriously deluding himself. I’m going with option B.

 

Another week and I’ll admit it. I’m starting to relax. None of them have touched me. But then again they don’t really need to. They have each other to touch don’t they? Jay hasn’t started locking my door. Even though Paige caught me wandering the hallways again. Jay only reminded me to leave Amir alone. Don’t go looking for him, don’t approach him, don’t try to talk to him. He’s still nervous at dinner, though he’s starting to look over now and then.

 

So it’s not like I really meant to run into him one morning. And I really did feel bad about the way his eyes got huge and he instantly backed away, right into a wall. Part of me wanted to talk to him. Ask him what they told him, why he was so scared of me. But I just backed away, kept my hands where he could clearly see them and tried not to trip whilst backing up as far and as fast as I could.

 

“Mir said he ran into you this morning.”

We’re in the small courtyard again. Paige doesn’t really like the other, larger one. At least not with me around. With me he likes this one and being inside.

“I didn’t mean to.” Mumble defensive, even as I’m getting tense, wondering if this is finally it, they’ll send me back to Brad and I still don’t get IT so Brad will sell me. Start to get scared.

“I didn’t talk to him!” angry. Anger mixed with fear.

“It’s alright. Was going to happen eventually cause you won’t stay in your room.”

Feel myself get pale. I broke the rules, but Jay said I could, but Jay’s a Master and he can change the rules.

 

Paige gets up from the bench.

“Jay wasn’t angry. He was just worried bout Mir.”

Walks over and sits against the other wall next to me. I like the corners. Stare at my feet. Okay so maybe he’s not shipping me back. Yet.

“Just…don’t go looking for him. Please?” quiet. Sincere. He likes Amir.

 

***

 

So okay. Maybe like just doesn’t cover it. Catch them alone in one of the bedrooms. In the nicer section. Paige sliding in and out of Amir and Amir’s loving it. Rocking and moaning, rising up to meet every thrust. I swear I hear I love you, repeated, answered, thrown in between names and god and yes and maybe harder and more. It’s almost hot. Watching them fuck. They both seem to enjoy it, neither of them in pain.

 

Which I guess, in theory, could be possible. I’ve yet to actually experience it but still, from the way Amir’s getting louder, more desperate it definitely seems possible. Hand suddenly on my shoulder and I jolt, instantly pull away. Jay lets me, doesn’t even try to hold me as I back away from the door, a few steps down the hall.

“You should be in bed.”

Mouth dry. Shit. Fuck. Damnit!

“Couldn’t sleep?” direct.

Shake my head. But I’ll sure as fuck make an effort now. Even if it is lonely without Mike. But it’s not. It’s not, it’s not, it’s fucking NOT!!!

 

I can hear it as Amir gets off, high and loud and god it sounds good. Like he actually really enjoys getting fucked. Paige is right behind him, softer but no less happy about the fucking situation. Which I can understand. In theory. Personally I always figured the fucking thing fucking hurt and growl, stare at the carpet.

 

Jay makes this horrified little sound and my head jerks up even as I back another few steps away. He’s watching me. Watching me very, very closely, mouth half open.

“You’ve never...” And his jaw snaps shut, so whatever he was going to say, he doesn’t get around to saying it.

 

***

 

“Brad he’s only ever been raped. And I mean rape. Not just fucking. He doesn’t understand sex. He’s never had anything but pain.”

Jay sounds horrified. I guess I shouldn’t be listening but okay maybe I found where his office is and hid so I could stay and listen. Fucking knew, just knew he’d be calling Brad this morning.

 

The whole Paige fucking Amir scene keeps playing around in my head. Amir really and I mean shit, Jesus, really enjoyed getting fucked by Paige. Like it was the best thing he’d ever felt. This huge fucking pleasure. Not this twisting, jerking, fucking tearing, hurting pain. Which okay. They keep talking about shit I don’t understand and apparently there’s a lot of it. A whole fucking tonne of shit I know nothing about. And now Jay’s decided it’s sex. And somehow I get the feeling it’s different from fucking. And am I really that transparent? That he could figure out I’d never seen two guys fuck like that before? What the fuck did I look like? Shocked? Awed? Disappointed? Cheated? And where the fuck is Mike!

 

“I don’t think we can explain it all to him.” Suddenly cold. “ I think maybe you should come…”

I can’t…no air...no…thunder…racing…Jesus.

 

***

 

“Where have you been!”

Paige cornering me in the big garden. He looks, doesn’t look well fucked, looks sort of scared and relieved.

“Were you hurt? Did you…”

“I’m fine.” Dull, don’t unravel from the tight knot I’ve worked my way into. Wedged between two big tree roots.

At least he’s not freaking out cause I’m in the big garden, out in the open. He really doesn’t like being out in the open. I don’t really like small rooms. I guess it could make sense. If I cared. I don’t. I’m dead already. Just a matter of time now.

“Chester?” soft.

Just glance up then back at my feet. Too tired to care about anything. I’m going to die. I can’t keep doing this. I don’t want to anymore. Had actually kind of, well maybe, started to hope. That maybe I could get it, learn, figure it out. Guess I was wrong. Lean my cheek against a forearm. I could just sleep. Maybe.

“Is Mike coming too?”

The question just slips out like breathing, like it’s normal to ask about Mike. Wonder about Mike. Want Mike. Wish he was here.

 

Paige rocks back slowly.

“You heard Brad’s coming.”

Not even a question. He knows. Doesn’t ask how I know, but he knows I do.

 

“I don’t know.” Gentle. “I can ask Jay.”

Close my eyes and figure I’ll sleep. Either Mike’s coming and we’re all going back to the sale yards, pens, wherever or he won’t and I won’t see him again. But I want to, want to say I’m sorry. That I didn’t mean to hurt him. It was stupid, cause I was stupid. Figured it was what he wanted. I was what he wanted so I should just, give it to him. But I got rough and…and…warm wet salty, tears I guess. Try to ignore them but this stupid weird hiccup thing starts.

 

Paige doesn’t get closer. Just sits and watches. Knows not to touch me but…I don’t know what but fuck it…how can there be so much shit I don’t understand? That two other slaves get to fuck and it’s good and doesn’t hurt. Unless Amir likes pain, but I doubt that. Don’t think he does. Think it was just that good. That Paige made him cum, from fucking. Fucking which didn’t hurt, wasn’t bad.

 

Paige leaves when it gets dark and garden lights start glowing. Instead Jay comes out, suddenly low and close beside me.

“Mike is coming.”

Three words now all I want to do is sleep. But maybe I’ve been asleep all day. Don’t remember. Just know it was light before and Paige was here, now it’s dark and there’s Jay.

 

Stare at him. My eyes hurt. Ache. My limbs ache. From sitting still so long.

“Come inside and eat.”

He’s always at me to eat. It’s kind of disturbing. Most Masters forget to feed you but he…he’s always making sure I eat, badgering if I don’t, refusing to accept I don’t want to, I’m not hungry. Even going so far to get things I actually like to eat, if I don’t eat what he gives me. Kind of obsessive.

 

I must have asked something, or well, he read my mind but I figure I must have said something. Cause he starts saying stuff. About how Amir stopped eating and Paige was starting to forget and they all ended up thin and sick and he had to make them eat. For a very long time.

 

Blink. Watch him slowly stand.

“You’ve missed dinner. As well as lunch and breakfast. You can have whatever you want. Just come inside.”

“Brad’s going to sell me.” It just slips on out there.

Great job, blurt random questions and shit out.

He sinks slowly down again.

“Brad’s coming here, with Mike. You need to figure this out with them.” Quiet, gentle. Like it’s all that simple.

“I don’t get it.” Still blurting shit out.

“Brad loves Mike…”

“Mike’s white.” Cut him off.

Bite my lip, try to keep my mouth shut.

“The collar.” Soft, like he suddenly understands.

Wonder if he’s going to run tell Brad that too. That whatever the fuck he just figured out. Is everyone here figuring shit out but me? When I’m the one who needs to figure it out? Who’s fucking life depends on it?

“Mike was looking for a black collar, for fucking?” stating the obvious, but the way he says it. Like it’s something incredibly obvious and yet incredibly stupid.

Frown but nod. Still trying to keep my mouth shut. He nods like he figured something else out.

Growl. Mother fucker!

“Come inside and eat.” Badgering now. “You can’t stay out here tonight. It’s too cold.”

 

And I suddenly notice something. He’s a Master. Not my Master but Amir and Paige and he’s just…we just…that was a conversation. And he’s badgering because if he doesn’t I’ll get hurt or sick or…something like Amir and Paige did and he actually cared about them enough to not want that. And so…why’s he badgering me? I’m not Amir or Paige or even his? I’m frowning at him.

“What’s wrong?”

“Why the fuck do you care?” snarling cause I’m suddenly scared. Formless unfounded but fear.

He actually fucking smiles. Cunt. Asshole.

“That’s the point Chester.” Like it’s simple.

But I still don’t quite get it.

“Come inside and eat. And I’ll give you something if you need help sleeping.”

Not telling, offering.

“I don’t like drugs.”

Honestly I’ve been there, almost fucking died from that, would really, really rather not revisit the withdrawal.

He just nods.

“Then just come inside and eat.” Still badgering.

And it’s not that I’m disobeying, though I pretty much am, it’s just that he’s not getting pissed or impatient. If anything he’s getting worried.

“Can you get up?”

Carefully unfold limbs, actually manage to stand. Staying that way, now that’s another thing entirely. Leaning against the tree for support.

 

God I’m hungry. Stomach rumbles but he doesn’t make a comment. Just watches, standing close by but not touching. Everyone here knows I don’t like touching. And yet Mike couldn’t get that. Or didn’t want to.

 

We eat. I crawl into bed. I’m half asleep when he leaves. Comes closer to the bed for a moment.

“If you can’t sleep come find me.” Then softer. “Paige will probably come in later. To check on you.”

Grunt. Eyes already closed. Soft and warm and bed much better than tree roots or pretty much any bed I’ve ever slept in. Wish Mike were here.

 

Barely notice Paige come in later. Except the door opens and part of me is instantly awake. He’s quiet but not trying to be. Just walks across the room and closer to the bed. That part of me that woke just as instantly goes back to sleep. Paige doesn’t want to fuck. I can go back to sleep.

 

Part Two

 

Three more days and I think I get it. At least, part of it. Figured it out without hiding in Jay’s office. Jay loves Amir and Paige. Really loves them. He can’t set them free but he doesn’t treat them like slaves. And Brad loves Mike. But Mike’s white. And Paige and Amir are black. So Brad and Jay aren’t like normal Masters. I get that now. That part I do get. It just. It doesn’t fix the part where Mike just wanted a play thing. Brad sold Phe and now he’s all lonely.

 

So it all comes back to fucking. And I don’t want to. I’m sure it’s…well, it seems to be good. For Paige and Amir and Jay. It’s just…maybe they’re freaks. Maybe it’s just them. Maybe it only ever feels good for them. Cause it doesn’t for me. There’s always blood and tearing and pain and it just fucking hurts! There’s no pleasure it just fucking hurts.

 

So okay maybe I just…I have to learn to like it, the pain, or something. Some way of not…hard to breathe. I can’t. But I just…I need. Just I can’t. Too much pain and I just…I can’t just…lay there…take it. I have to, have to fight it. Fight hard. Get away.

 

“Chester?” and I stop breathing altogether.

That’s…hyperventilating now. That’s Mike. Run! Get out. Run! Get away. Run. Run fucking RUN! He’s in the doorway. Glance at the window. Locked. Still in the doorway. Frozen. Eyes darting. Fuck. Oh fuck. I…FUCK! Grip the chair back. Fingers white. Get Out!

 

Then he’s gone and I’m in the garden. Don’t know how I got here. Don’t care.

“Chester!”

That’s Brad.

Freeze. Hands reaching for the first tree branch. I can’t climb. I don’t think I can climb. I mean I guess I could. I’m sure if I tried.

“Chester!.” He’s looking for me. “Don’t run. Please. Just…” moving closer. “Don’t run.” Quieter.

I don’t let go of the tree branch but I don’t start climbing either.

“I’m not going to sell you.”

He’s on the other side of the tree now.

“I promise. Just don’t run.”

Slowly moving round the tree.

 

His hairs grown. More of a mess. Even if it does look like he tried to control it today. Eyes piercing, not sharp just, holding mine.

“Jay says you like it out here.”

Starts talking like this is a normal conversation. On a normal, non-fucked up day. Where there’s no Mike standing in the doorway. Appeared out of nowhere. Hope I didn’t hurt him.

 

I’m still frozen. Not moving. No answer. Silent.

“Are you trying to get away from me? Or Mike?”

Blink. Stare. Blink again.

“One blink for me. Two for Mike.”

Smiling but serious.

“I didn’t mean to hurt him.” Sliding right on out there.

Sighs, head ducking.

“Mike.”

He nudges the tree with the toe of his shoe. So quiet.

“So you get I’m not trying to hurt you?” staring, piercing again.

Nod.

“Is Mike staying?” demanding.

He frowns but nods.

“Yeah. He’s staying.”

Relax. Let go of the branch.

“Jay says it’s lunch time.” Quiet but direct.

“He’s obsessed with food.” Blurting it out.

Brad grins.

“Yeah, he is. But with good reason, you need to eat.”

Blink. I do? Why? I’m not sick.

 

“Did I hurt Mike?” suddenly scared.

“No. He got out of the way.”

Nod.

“Good.” Quiet.

Cause I didn’t want to hurt him. But I was just…scared, freaking out, panicking.

“So are you coming inside.?” Direct eye contact again.

“Is Mike inside?”

“Yes.” Wary.

Nod. Good. I…good. Don’t have time to think. Don’t want to think. But it’s good. That I get to see him again. Want to see him again. Want to say I’m sorry. Apologise. If he’ll let me. Doesn’t just want to fuck me.

“Come on. You may not be hungry but I am.”

 

Brad goes off to talk to Jay after lunch. Paige and Amir have already left so it’s just me and Mike.

“I’m sorry about before. I didn’t mean to startle you.” Quiet.

Nod, stare at the floor, the table, the door, anywhere but at him. Which is stupid. Five weeks of wishing he were here and now I have nothing to say and I can’t even look at him. Wonder what Brad’s told him, about the things Jay’s told Brad, that probably came from Paige.

 

Like maybe I’m a big stupid freak who just doesn’t quite get it. Yet. But I’m trying. Glance up. He’s taping fingers over the edge of the table. Some pattern on repeat.

“I didn’t mean to…” he looks up and it’s hard to think. “Umm. Before. When I…”

Glance over at the window, down at the table top. His fingers have stopped tapping. Look at him again. Dark eyes patient, waiting.

 

“I didn’t mean to hurt you. I just…I didn’t want to I just…thought it was what you wanted.”

He just blushes, looks away.

“I mean, not that I thought you wanted me to hurt you. I just…”

“Have you even had sex, without pain, not just rape?”

Suddenly standing. Chair echoing as it crashes back hard.

“What?”

What kind of fucked up question is that? Glare. Frown. Try to understand before I just start snapping. Snarling. Growling. Damnit. Guess I forgot about the growling. Suddenly silent.

 

He’s still sitting, trying to look calm but he’s playing that pattern again.

“You’ve never had sex. Just sex. Not fucking. Without pain.”

Try to remember not to growl this time.

“No. Why?” glaring.

What the fuck is wrong with these people? Unless…unless it’s just…it doesn’t hurt for them. Only me. I’m the only freak it hurts. Not just…I’m in fucking pain so they must be…oh no…I’m in fucking pain and they all fucking Love It!

 

He stares at the table top, takes a breath.

“I’m sorry.” So quiet.

What? Why? Cause I can’t fuck without pain? Cause I’m not good to you as a toy? Cause now you’ll just _have_ to sell me? Stop. Weak. Suddenly…he’ll sell me. I’m not good for…I’m no good…he…he…

 

Frozen. Staring at him.

“But I can…” the words out of my mouth but I know they’re a lie. I can’t. “Please.” Begging.

He looks up confused.

“Please...what?”

Try not to sink down, slide to the floor. He really wants me to beg? I can beg. I’ve had plenty of practice. Doesn’t normally work but…take a breath, try to just…breathe. Not stop.

“Please don’t sell me.” Half choked.

Shock.

“I wont! I don’t. I mean I hadn’t even thought…didn’t Brad tell you? He promised. He won’t sell you.”

“But I can’t! I’m no good for...” Trail off, can’t even say it.

“No good for what?” still confused.

Jesus. God. We’re not even reading the same book let alone being on the same page.

“For Fucking!” comes out snarling, angry cause I’m scared, fucking terrified.

He just blinks.

“Cause that’s why we bought you.” Statement.

Nod. Yes? And? He keeps blinking. Then so calm. So neutral.

“They told me you can sing.”

“They what?” frown, words spilling out.

 

He looks embarrassed.

“They said you could sing.”

But he’s staring now, watching closely, hopeful, desperate. Like it’s really that important.

“So can you?” sounds desperate.

Blink. Frown confused. Nod.

“Well…yeah. I mean…sort of.” Manage to mumble awkward.

Blinding grin. Huge relief. He just, looks so fucking happy. Cause I can sing? Blink. O…kay.

“They told me and…after Phe…I hoped. I was hoping you’d want to.”

“Phe could sing?” baffled.

“Phe plays bass, cello.”

Frown.

“And?” lost.

“Brad and I, we make music. Brad plays guitar and Rob, his partner, he plays drums and then Phe…with the bass but…” blush. “We needed a singer.”

But he didn’t say what…oh…that pattern thing…

“You play piano.”

Not even a question. He nods, blushing.

“Brad taught me guitar as well.”

“But none of you sing?”  
Even deeper blush. He can. He just won’t.

“I can I’m just…” head ducking. “I’m not that good and we need someone…” looking at me. “Someone who can sing.” Eager, hopeful.

Shrug.

“I don’t know if I’m any good.”

 

But what he’s saying is…he bought me cause they said I could sing. Not for fucking but then why…oh…cause I still have a black collar and that’s what I’m used for. Oh. So he wants someone to sing and fuck. A useful fuck. But still a fuck. Still here for fucking. Why the fuck do I let myself have these moments of hope? Nothing changes the colour of the collar. Nothing. Ever. Changes!

 

“Are you staying with me?” almost demanding.

There’s a fraction of a second of shock, confusion then something else. Something more like fear. He’s still unsure, wary. Feel sick.

“No.” soft. “I’m staying with Brad.”

“Oh.” Was…kind of…NO! No fucking No! I don’t want him in my bed! I don’t! I just. I fucking well don’t! It was just a stupid fucking. FUCK! Fuck fuck fuck. Refuse to be disappointed. Hate this shit. I’m going outside. He doesn’t follow.

 

Can’t sleep. Restless. Give up and start wandering. Hallways quiet. Even Paige and Amir’s room, which sometimes, sounds like the fucking never stops. Door’s closed so maybe they’re not in there tonight, maybe they’re in with Jay.

 

And that’s all it takes, just thinking the mans name in his house and suddenly he appears, walking down the hall. Just came from his office. Still working, even this late.

“Thought you might be up.” Comes to a stop in front of me.

Shrug.

“Couldn’t sleep.”

Know by now he’s not going to send me back to bed or force pills down my throat. Food maybe but never drugs.

“Want to go outside?”

He locks all the external doors at night so I can’t get out. Not like anyone else would try to get out at night. Kind of wonder what would happen if there was a fire. I’d burn? Probably break a window.

“Yeah.” Cause I actually like it outside.

He leads the way, takes me to the small courtyard. The one Paige likes so much. Speaks as he quietly opens the door.

“It’s too cold for the garden.”

And I guess he’s right. Or this one’s heated. I’d bet he has this one heated. So Paige can always come out here and not freeze.

 

Stare at the sky awhile in silence. He’s sitting on the bench Paige likes so much.

“You built this for Paige?” finally look at him.

He nods.

“He didn’t like the big garden.”

“So you built him a courtyard?” incredulous.

I mean I figured he had it built for Paige but, okay maybe I didn’t quite believe it. Maybe…just figured I was a being a smart ass.

“I built Amir a pool.”

Blink.

“A…what?”

“A pool. I know Paige didn’t show you, he doesn’t go in there, not without us.”

And again with the what?

“Um…” hate to ask a stupid question, or another stupid question. But. “What’s a pool?”

He blinks.

“It’s like a small lake.”

Again with the what the fuck?

“A lake?”

He frowns deeper.

“Chester have you ever been outside?”

“I’m outside now.” But I’ve already figured that’s not what he means.

“When Brad said you had  history of running I assumed…”

“I got out of my room a few times.” Shrug. “Made it out a side door once. Into a yard like this.”

“So you’ve never seen a real garden. Or a lake or a pool?”

Still have no fucking clue what those things are, accept Amir likes one enough for Jay to built him one. He’s frowning.

“But the car?” confused.

“Windows always dark.” I didn’t really like it but I can’t really complain now can I?

He nods, stands and pulls keys out of his pocket. A long pause.

“Do you promise to behave?” serious, direct.

Blink. What’s he up to?

“I’ll show you something. But you have to promise to behave.”

O…kay.

“Alright.” Wary.

Another long pause. He reaches a hand out, waves me closer. Hand on my arm and he leads me back into the house. Instantly tense but he doesn’t head for his bedroom. Or the guest bedrooms. Or any of the bedrooms. Has to stop twice to unlock doors, but instantly rests his hand on my upper arm again. Warm, not even any pressure. Just resting there, guiding.

 

Another door but he stops to flick a few switches. Slightest bit of pressure as he pushes the door open. Outside.

“Come here.” Urges me out the door and round the corner of the building.

Freeze and his arm tightens. He’s suddenly very close, warm weight against my side.

 

There’s. Blink. I can’t quite make sense of it. Keep looking for the walls but…there aren’t any. At least. None that I can see. Just grass, trees, low lights, road. Grass. Trees. Lights. Trees. More grass. Trees. Lights. Lights in trees.

“But…” the words dying on my lips.

Okay am I hallucinating? Glance up at Jay even as I feel his arm slide across my shoulders. Stare back out at the…the…grass, trees, lights. No walls. There’s walls in the other garden. Half hidden in the trees but…there’s still fucking walls! This is…this is no walls. Anywhere.

 

Jay’s warm and it’s actually cold out here. No heating cause there’s still no fucking walls! Squeeze of his arm and I remember to breathe.

“Lets go back inside.” Soft, gently guiding me back around the corner.

Stare over his shoulder at the no walls space.

 

Keep staring till we’re indoors and behind the closed, now locked door. He flicks off all the switches. Must be the lights. Lights along the road, in the trees. Lots of lights. Remember to blink.

“I’ll take you back to your room.” Still soft.

“Pool?” cause I still don’t get that.

No walls? But…how…and why don’t…frowning. I can feel it.

“Not now. I’ll show you later. Tomorrow night.”

Nod, don’t argue. Just keep nodding.

 

Don’t even notice his arm still around me till he takes it away at my door. Leads me inside but no longer touching. I actually kind of miss it, liked it. Warm weight. Not confining. Nice.

“Do you think you’ll sleep now?”

Blink. I don’t know. Yes. No. Maybe.

“I don’t know.” Honest.

He nods.

“Don’t try to get outside. And don’t ask Paige to take you.”

“Can Mike?” instantly out there.

Brilliant just blurting shit out.

He’s silent for a full minute.

“He doesn’t have keys.” Quiet. “But Brad could.”

“Oh.” Disappointed.

Wonder if Mike knows about out there. Without walls.

“You should try to sleep.” Gentle, hopeful.

“Is Mike really sleeping with Brad?”

Cause I want to know. No real reason. I just…I want to know!

 

He sits down in one of the armchairs. Looks a little tired but watching me closely.

“He’s staying with Brad. Yes.”

Watching so closely. Try to remember not to react. To look disappointed. Worried. Scared. He doesn’t trust me. I know that. I hurt him. He doesn’t know I won’t do it again. But I understand now, well I understand a bit, a little but, alright I still have no fucking idea. I still don’t get IT. But I know he doesn’t want to hurt me. That he doesn’t JUST want to fuck me. And he won’t…he didn’t. Hasn’t tried to fuck me.

 

That, that one time was just a kiss and when I fought he, it stopped. He stopped. So maybe he wasn’t lying about saying no. I can say no. Cause they’re not normal Masters. They actually care. Don’t want us to get hurt or sick or cold or…anything bad. But I want Mike here. I don’t want to be alone. I…it never used to be like this. Never used to bother me. Never used to crave….something. The sound of his breathing. Warmth in the bed. Not heat. Not hot. Not fucking. Just warmth and it was nice.

 

Until I fucked it all up. Sink down onto the bed.

“I didn’t mean to hurt him.” Quiet, dejected.

And now he won’t. Won’t ever sleep with me again. More chance of Amir staying the night.

“He knows that.” Gentle but direct.

He sighs.

“You’re not going to sleep are you?”

Look up from the floor, over at him. Shake my head. No. Probably not.

“Do you want me to stay?” calm. Neutral. Not angry or worried or suggesting just. Blink at him in silence. He would. He’d stay. Not because he wants to fuck, not because…well really, there isn’t many other reasons Masters want to stay, other than beatings or torture and I can’t, I just, don’t see him as the type.

 

So he’d just…he’d stay.

“You’re tired.” Point out.

“I could sleep.” Smiling. “But I can stay, if you want. If you don’t want to sleep.”

“What about Paige and Amir?”

“They’ll be asleep by now, and they’re in Amir’s bed tonight.”

“They won’t miss you?”

He tilts his head a little.

“You’re starting to get it now, aren’t you?” soft, smiling.

Shrug, blush. What the fuck would I know?

“Why’d you think they’d miss me?”

Pick at the bed sheets.

“Because they love you.” Quiet, can’t look at him. “You take care of them.”

“I love Paige and Amir.” So quiet.

Look over and his eyes are direct.

“I love them both.”

“So you built them…Paige the courtyard and Amir the pool.”

And I still don’t know what the fuck that is. He just nods.

“How long?”

“Five years, almost six.” Smiling again then serious. “But the first two.” Shaking his head, pain, eyes closing. “It wasn’t always like this.”

Don’t ask the questions. The answers look kind of painful.

 

“Can I at least lay down?”

He groans after a few minutes silence.

“You’ll fall asleep.”

“Possibly. Probably.” Standing and stretching. “Does that bother you?” very direct despite the relaxed tone.

He’s not much of a threat if he’s sleeping. Shrug.

“It’s your bed.”

“But will it bother you?” careful but completely direct now.

Pause, wonder. Will it? Would it really bother me? If he’s asleep it’ll be just like Mike, only not Mike and he’s a Master. But it won’t really matter.

“No.”

Why? Because he’s non-threatening? Not abusive? Or raping, hurting? I don’t fucking know.

 

He just nods, kicks off his shoes, strips off his jacket. Kick off my own shoes but remain sitting on the edge of the bed. He leaves his pants on, slides under the covers on the opposite side. Head on the pillow and his eyes instantly flutter closed. Watch him, even as he rolls over onto his side.

“You don’t trust me either.” Murmur as I stare down at him and it hurts, cause I haven’t done anything wrong here. At least. Not that he knows of. Don’t think he knows I hid in his closet or his office. His closet was boring, his office, well, he called Brad.

 

His eyes open again.

“I wish you’d sleep.”

“But you don’t trust me.”

“Not in the way you think. I don’t want you wandering the corridors or trying to find Brad and Mike.”

I wouldn’t…would I? Well, maybe. He just smiles a little.

 

There’s silence for awhile after that. His eyes close again but I know he’s not asleep. Probably wants to be but he’s not. Eventually I get up, turn off most the lights. Leave the one by the window on. Light reflecting back inside. Sit back on the edge for awhile then slide down into my side of the bed. Under blankets and sheets and it’s warm. They’re warm because of Jay. Lay on my side watching him in the dim light.

“I promise I won’t hurt you.” Quiet, eyes opening, direct.

Nod. I already figured that. A long pause and his eyes close again. Mine close and all I can hear is breathing. Different to Mike. Deeper. Louder. Steady though. Not erratic or fast, just…he’s falling asleep. Then again, so am I. Sucked in by the slow rhythm. And the warmth. Not cold or lonely or alone. Just Jay but it’s warm. Not alone anymore.

 

Part Three 

 

We’re laying around in the big garden, giving Paige and Amir alone time in the courtyard. It’s kind of cold. Cold enough that Mike’s wearing a black beanie. It covers his eye brows, makes his eyes look bigger, darker. He’s staring right back at me, suddenly smiles and I can’t help the smile responding. Instinct. Reflex, nothing else. Really.

“Have you ever been outside?” suddenly start to talk after so much silence.

Stupid smiling.

He frowns.

“You don’t mean out here, do you?” unsure.

Roll over to face him.

“No. Outside, without walls.” Half excited, half terrified.

He blushes, nods.

“Yeah. I have.”

Oh. Stupid question. Seem to have a lot of them. Oh course he’s fucking been outside. Why would Brad keep him locked up? He doesn’t have any reason to. Just me.

“Have you been outside?” curious, half frowning.

A little worried, rolling closer, onto his side too, facing me.

“Jay showed me.” Shrug like it’s nothing.

He blinks, chews the corner of this lips. Means he’s nervous.

“When?”

“Last night.”

“Why?”

“I couldn’t sleep.” Roll onto my back but keep my head turned towards him.

 

And I slept with Jay there. Slept well. Peaceful. No nightmares. No constant waking up in the middle of the night, through the morning. But woke up to him leaving. Not that he tried to leave without waking me. Just, he was quiet.

“What else did he show you?” unhappy, frowning, or at least I think he’s frowning. Eyes tighter, tiny furrows between them.

Frown back.

“Nothing.” Pause. “He built Amir a pool.”

Maybe he knows what a pool is.

“Did he show it to you?”

Frown harder.

“No and I have no fucking idea what it is.”

He blinks. Oops. Okay maybe that sounded pretty pissed off.

“Oh…it’s like a bath. Only bigger, so you can swim in it.” Sudden blush. “Which you have no idea what that is.”

Suddenly standing.

“Chester! I’m sorry. I should have thought!”

He’s sitting. Not standing.

“Jay said it’s like a lake.” Stare at the walls, refuse to stare down at him.

He nods.

“It is.” Watching me closely. “Do you know what that is?”

Shake my head.

“Hadn’t been outside before. That’s why…” trailing off.

“So he showed you. Outside.”

Nod. Lots of trees and lights and grass. No walls.

 

Walk away.

“Where are you going?” frantic.

“Inside. It’s cold.”

And I don’t have a beanie. Just a shaved head. It’s sort of grown back. Not long like it used to be, still short.

 

Inside, laying on my bed when I realize he followed, just much further behind. Pauses at the door. Doesn’t come in.

“Can I come in?”

Shrug, nod. I’m actually still tired. Jay was up early and I had to eat breakfast and then Mike showed up and Paige was with Amir so we had to go to the other garden.

Kick my shoes off the side of the bed. He pauses.

“I can leave.”

“Or you can stay.” Calm, neutral, like I don’t care either way. Which…I don’t. Really. Damnit.

Drag another pillow under my head and get comfortable.

 

He hovers next to the bed for a moment.

“I won’t…” Quiet. “I promise” Stare over my shoulder up at him.

“I know.” Chewing the corner of his lips again.

He’s nervous, even if he thinks he knows I won’t hurt him.

“I promise.” Can only keep saying it, hope he believes me.

Another pause and he climbs onto the bed, feel it as he kicks his own shoes over the edge. Smile at him as he gets comfortable and he grins back.

“A lake is a huge bath. Even bigger than a pool, only in the ground and there’s lots of trees and grass around it.”

Stare at him, blink.

“So…what else is outside?”

“Rivers. Oceans.”

“What are they?”

“A river’s a long pool, they connect lakes to oceans. And an ocean is like a really big lake but salty and with sand instead of dirt.”

 

Doze off next to Mike and wake up with my head resting against his shoulder. Only it’s more like his back and I’m using him as a pillow. He’s asleep, on his stomach, facing away from me. Somehow my arm ended up draped over his lower back, inches above his ass. And all I can think for the first few minutes is warmth. Until I realize where the warmth is coming from.

 

Then I start wondering. If I should move. If he’s okay with this. Did he fall asleep first or did I? Did I slide over and sleep on him whilst he was asleep or did I migrate across whilst he was awake? Why didn’t he stop me? Did he try to stop me and couldn’t cause I wouldn’t, refused to stop? And then why wouldn’t he just leave? So he must have been asleep too. And we just…rolled into each other. God he’s warm.

 

Until he shifts, moves, rolls over and I can’t stop, suddenly rolling with him till I end up on his chest, head on his shoulder again but the front this time and his arm slides round, warmth across my shoulder. God so warm.

 

I guess I shouldn’t be surprised, but I am. When it’s late and we’re talking about outside again, and he doesn’t make any move to leave, go sleep with Brad.

“Do you fuck Brad?” suddenly slipping out.

He’s instantly red, vivid and dark blush.

“Sometimes. But we don’t…not a lot. Not like Jay with Amir and Paige.”

Nodding agreement. They fuck. At lot. Then again. They enjoy it. At lot. Maybe Mike doesn’t like it that much.

“Brad.” He continues, grimaces, looks away. “He’s been with Rob for…a few years now.” So quiet.

“Rob…Phe and Rob?”

He nods. Silent.

“But…” frown, try to figure it out.

Mike said Phe fell for Rob and Rob wanted Phe so…I was starting to think they were like Jay with Paige and Amir.

“It’s complicated.” So soft, staring at the floor.

Watch him for a moment. Okay. So Phe, Rob and Brad. Brad and Mike but they don’t fuck much so. Mike’s all lonely, wants to fuck. Or maybe just…Mike’s all lonely. Oh and he needs a singer. Blink. Oh. Stare at him in shock. Mike’s lonely. He suddenly looks up and flinches.

“What?” frowning, unsure.

“Are you staying?” blurting it out. Hoping. Wanting.

Starts to chew his lip again.

“I could.” Direct.

“You’re not…staying with Brad?”

He flinches but shakes his head.

“I changed my mind.” Quiet.

 

Did Brad kick him out? Cause he doesn’t sound happy and if staying with Brad makes him happy then…he should stay with Brad. He loves Brad. Brad loves him. Unless Brad’s in love with Rob more. Ouch. After ten years that's got to suck.

 

Reach out and stop. Not sure what I’m doing. What I’m supposed to do. I can’t exactly fix it but…I want to. Want him to smile or something. Anything other than the wounded, hurt look. A tiny frown appears, almost shock. Then the half smile, tired. Bemused maybe. I don’t know. Not happy but not the really sad, unhappy but trying to lie smile.

“Mike.”

 

I don’t think I’ve ever said it before. At least…not when it meant something.

 

We’re sort of stuck, standing apart, staring at each other. Not moving. Want to…liked it before. Touch him. But I shouldn’t. I think. I mean…I probably shouldn’t. It’s not like last time but last time got all fucked up. When I thought I’d figured out what he wanted. Not sure what he wants and touching got so fucked up last time so…staring.

“I don’t know what you want.” Quiet. Wish I did. Cause I’d…what?

Want to touch him but I don’t know. Should I? Shouldn’t I? Is that what he wants and what the fuck am I supposed to do!?

 

He blinks and I half reach out again, not touching but…I don’t fucking know. But he takes a step closer, not close enough to….whatever but close enough so that our hands bump together. Shoulders almost touching cause he’s not facing me directly but he’s staring straight at me. Silent. Then his hand deliberately bumps into mind and we both glance down, watch as our fingers slide together. Then apart.

 

Look up and he’s chewing his lip again. It’s going to start bleeding if he doesn’t stop. Lean forward, intent on I have no fucking idea what and his eyes get wide. Stop, blink, stare at him from so close, breath hovering over my mouth, all warm and almost fluttering. His fingers twist into mine again. Hold onto them tight.

 

He doesn’t ask. Doesn’t need to ask, knows what I’m doing before I do. Brushing my lips over his, licking at the bottom corner and metallic. I can taste the blood just under the surface.

“Chester.” Whisper.

And I like the sound, the feel of his lips against mine. Swipe of heat, warm, wet over my bottom lip. Oh I…he does it again…I like that. Do it back to him. Tongue suddenly so sensitive and his lips so soft and moving. Smooth and parting, heat. Short hot breath, warm air.

 

His other hand comes to rest on my side, fingertips under my shirt. Against bare skin. Smooth warmth and tongue again as I lose all train of thought. Caught up in warm and hot and slide, soft, deeper, moaning, shifting closer. His hand in my short hair. Base of my spin. My hand sliding up his back. Shoulders, sides. Soft skin under my skin. Tongue rubbing, stroking, lips slick, pulling him closer. More. Soft nip, scrape of teeth, tugging on his lower lip, sucking, groan. He returns the favour and hot, heat, hard jerk forward, wanting more.

 

He doesn’t. I don’t think he started it. Soft rhythm, rocking, rubbing, turning into grinding. Fingers gliding, sliding over skin. Soft and warm and sinking onto the bed. Bed. Stop. Freeze. Bed. Bed where you…where we’ll…where he’ll…and I’ll…and….Pain. Screaming. Tearing. Blood. And pain and….gasping, choked off, hard to see. Anything. Think. I can…I can’t…he could…I don’t…I won’t…I want. Fuck. Oh fuck. Oh fuck oh fuck oh…RUN!

 

Next thing I remember is Brad. Arms and blood and Brad.

“Shit.”

“Jesus.”

“I’ll get the doctor.”

“Thankyou.”

Arms. Brads arms. And I’m not moving. No struggle just slumped. Head almost touching the grass. It’s dark. Still dark. It was dark before. Before…with Mike. I don’t know…There’s so much blood.

“Shh. Shh. It’s alright.” Stroking. Hands constant up and down my back. “It’s alright. Mike’s Alright.”

Saying something. His name. Over and over. Paige hovering, hand on my head.

“I’ll go and get him.”

Soft squeeze on my shoulder then gone.

 

Hunched over. Knees against my chest, against the ground. Arms tucked in tight, close.

“It’s alright Chester. You’re safe. It’s okay.”

Constantly reminding me. My eyes ache. Try to breathe.

“Shouldn’t have. I know I shouldn’t have.”

Mike! Mike’s here. Turn my head. Look up. Tears. Eyes red. No blood.

“I shouldn’t have.”

Not even looking at me as he sinks down. Grab, reach out, find his hand and hold on.

“Mike.”

“I’m so sorry Chester.”

Let Brad help me sit, leaning against his chest, shoulder, arms supporting. Curses. There’s so much blood. And it’s mine. All of it mine. Cause he’s not bloody, untouched, no bruises. He didn’t try to hold me, hurt me, hold on, just let me go. He let me run.

 

I just. I couldn’t. I can’t. And he let me run. Let me go. Just as good as saying no and he didn’t force me, didn’t try to….he just. Kept his word and I could go.

 

Realise Brad’s hands are wrapped tight around one wrist and the other forearm. Blood seeping out from under his fingers. Sliding down. My blood…oh. Look up at Mike.

“Sorry.”

“It’s alright.” Soothing.

Brad talking cause Mike’s gone quiet. “Jays getting a doctor. He’ll stitch you up. Everything’s alright.”

“You broke the door.” Mike quiet but direct, swallowing hard.

Follow his eyes, stare over across the garden. The big one, almost made it to the far walls. The lights all on and there’s a lot of green grass and glitter. Glass. Shattered. I broke the window too. The door is still standing. Even if the glass panels are gone, shattered. Still standing and the glass…in the window, jagged, shattered, mostly gone. Wasn’t a fire but it worked. I got out.

 

“Is Jay pissed?”

Brad shudders, I think he’s laughing. Silently.

“No. Not yet. Maybe later.”

Mike tries to pull away but I cling tighter.

“Don’t…”desperate. “Don’t go.”

Don’t want him to go.

“Mike.” Brad’s voice soft, so close. “Just stay. It’s alright. Just stay.”

Mike won’t look at him, won’t look at either of us. But I didn’t…I didn’t hurt him. Did I? I don’t remember. Just remember running, had to get out, get away but I…had to get out, get away from him.

“I’m sorry, I didn’t mean…”

He’s looking at me now, frowning. But it’s starting to get all kinds of cold, hot, fuzzy, white spots.

 

His fingers tight, squeezing. Voice sharp. Blink. And? Frown. Brad’s hands are…they ache. Tight, hard. Fingers pressing into, feels like going through.

“Chester?” soft.

His other hand touching my face. Blink up at him, his hand still tight in mine.

“Shit.” Sudden cursing.

Brad laying me down, rolling me over, onto my back. Still trying to hold onto Mike.

“Just hold onto him.” Brad’s voice…somewhere, sharp, trying for calm.

I can’t hear Mike now, not sure where he is.

“Mike talk to him.”

Fingers pushing against mine again, squeezing.

“I’m right here.” Quiet.

Oh. But. Doesn’t sound happy. Then again blood and blink. He’s staring. Suddenly smiles, half, almost twisted but a smile. Cause I think I’m smiling at him.

 

Aches. Hurts all over. My arms, wrists, hands, especially knuckles and feet, knees, legs, hips. God even my jaw hurts. But I’m warm and I can hear someone. Sounds like Brad. He doesn’t move like Jay or Mike or even Paige. He’s just, it’s different. Which would make sense cause it’s his room. His bed.

“Stupid questions first.”

He’s watching me from the end of the bed.

“Are you feeling alright?”

Nod.

“Are you hungry?”

Raise an eyebrow, shake my head. He just grins, pure and simple pleasure. At least he’s not angry. Yet.

“Mike?”

Still smiling but not as happy. See…knew it wouldn’t last.

“You scared him but he’s alright.”

“I didn’t mean…”

He waves a hand, dismissive. Swallow hard. Oh shit. Here it comes.

“It’s alright.” Quiet. “He told me what happened. It wasn’t your fault and you didn’t hurt him.”

“I…” shut my mouth.

I wanted it to happen.

 

Not the whole, freaking out and running part. That part sucked and it hurt and Mike’s freaked out but the kissing and touching and more…that part…I really, really wanted that part. Thought, hoped maybe. Want the good…half. Not fucking Mike cause no. I just. No. But I just. I really wanted. I really wanted him to. Fuck. Me. Maybe, kind of. Fuck it, not maybe, not kind of. I fucking wanted it. The way Jay and Paige and Amir have it. But I guess…I’m too fucked up and it just…it always hurts and I just. I can’t. I couldn’t. I wanted but just. Can’t. Couldn’t. Fuck. Fuck fuck fucking fuck! I can’t fuck!

 

“I want to show you something.” Serious.

Climbs onto the bed and slides closer, soft pressure against my body. I’m under blankets but he’s still, so much closer all a sudden. Very, very close.

“You just have to trust me.” Gentle.

I do I just…what the fuck is he doing?

I nod and he leans over, mouth, kiss, tongue. Oh…and…oh…god! It feels good. Heat and thrill and want. But…he’s backing off, leaning back.

“You have to trust me. I won’t hurt you.” Eyes staring into mine, reading, piercing,

Nod again. I can trust him. I trust him.

 

He kicks off his shoes, slides under the blankets, the sheet. Suddenly real warmth, body heat. Sliding in close again. Kissing. Tongue darting in, teasing, out and I’m chasing it. Cause, moan, it’s good, he’s…Hand already on my stomach, sliding down, leg over my hip. Hot and heat surrounding cock through cloth, softly stroking. Buck. Oh…oh nice…wow…Jesus. Groan. It feels so good, not just…then slide of skin, hand pushing inside the pants and grab his shoulder. Instantly he stills, stops but I keep kissing him, wanting. Till he starts again, kiss hot and harder but hand still. I want, jerking, wanting contact, and he’s softly, carefully stroking again, skin on…moan, groan. But my hand still on his shoulder.

 

He trails kisses across my shoulder, up over my throat, sensitive skin under my ear, behind. Tiny flicks of his tongue and I can’t lay still. His hand still stroking. Slick and sliding. So good. God. Oh fuck. Hot and fuck, soft teeth over my ear.

“Do you like this?” groan and twist, buck up. “Yes?”

Nod, hoarse.

“God.” And “Yes.” Just to be sure. I don’t want him to stop.

“There’s something else I want to show you.”

Leaning back and a pause. I nod.

“Yes.” Just to prove I’m ready. I want it.

He helps me slide out of the pants. Kissing me again and hand, fingers slick, slip, sliding. Hot, groan, then behind my cock, stroking up. Moaning, arching, helping cause hot, so good. Both hands on me. Then inside. Sudden slip and fingertip seeking, probing, Jesus. Oh fuck!

 

Pushes again and moan. Oh fuck. Oh fuck. God. His fingers. Rocking then rubbing down. Something, something…god…kiss hot, dirty. Tongue…oh…groan. Fuck. Other hand still stroking slow, slick tease. Fuck fuck oh fuck! This is…this is what Paige and Jay and….his fingers twist and I buck, cry out. Jerk, buck hard. Head arcing back. His kisses just fall on my neck instead.

 

“Do you want me to?”

His cock rubbing against my hip. Hard, hot.

“Yes…oh…fuck…” rock against him. “Please.”

I want to know. Want to feel.

He just nods, drapes my thigh back over his, rolls me, slides in behind and groan, pant. Oh Jesus, fuck…he’s going to…

 

Fingers sliding inside instead, slick slide driving me insane, hand stroking and I can’t, I’m going to…

“Now?” hot, hoarse against my shoulder.

Nod. Can’t speak, can barely…

“Fuck.” Nod again. “Yes Jesus, fuck me now, yes.”

His fingers slide out and…he’s bigger. Bigger than fingers but…oh god oh god oh god Jesus fuck fuck oh fuck. He just…he’s just…sliding right…oh…oh…god…it doesn’t hurt!

 

Hand still stroking but he’s slow, softly rocking, thrust but I can’t, I don’t want it slow. Jesus just fuck and now! Other hand slides up stroking a nipple and I lose it. Head thumping back and throb, thrust, fuck. Cum. Crying out. Loud and hard and fuck fuck FUCK.

 

He’s slower. Not as loud. More moans, shuddering, groaning. Hips sharp but shallow, cuming slow but long. Even as my own cock shudders, throbs, spills out more.

 

I never. Never. Really never. And…just never. Wouldn’t have thought, just it…fuck. I can’t, can’t even begin to think. Past sweat and hot and cum. Slick and soft and wet. Soft slide and he’s free. Alone again but I want. I want more. I want Mike. And I want it again and now and with Mike! As soon as I can move.

 

Brad’s lips fall on my shoulder. Silent kisses, his arm holding me close to him. Holding my back to his front. I wonder if this is what love feels like? Safe. Warm. Sex. Cause I think I understand that now. Fucking is not sex. Sex is more and hot and pleasure and not pain.

“Go back to sleep.”

Brad’s hand stroking my shoulder.

 

I’m alone in the bed when I wake later. Brad’s gone but Mike’s here. Watching. Waiting. Silent. My arms are both taped up. Didn’t notice before when…and oh…fuck. I fucked…Brad fucked. Stare at Mike. Is he jealous? Cause Brad and I?

“I’m sorry about last night.” So quiet. “ I won’t.” a breath, not looking at me. “I won’t.” Staring at the floor, away, anywhere but at me. He doesn’t know. Brad didn’t tell him. Maybe he doesn’t want Mike to know. But…

“I won’t do it again.” Soft “I promise.”

Almost like he means it, unless he really does mean it. But…I want him to. I want him.

“But…”

And he finally looks over. Black spikes a mess, dark eyes with shadows, half bruises under them. He looks like shit.

“But I want to.” Clear.

He shakes his head slowly, staring at the ground again. But he doesn’t say no.

 

Try to sit but so tired. I can’t have slept long. It’s still dark outside. Wonder where Brad is. Talking to Jay? Sink back down but reach out to Mike, try to grab his arm, hand, fingers, anything. He doesn’t move away but he doesn’t get any closer either. And I want him closer. Want warm and….soft touch, his hand covering mine.

“Just go back to sleep.” Looking down at me.

Tug on his hand now that I’ve got it.

“Sleep.” But he’s reluctant, I keep tugging. “Just to sleep.” Pleading.

 

I’ve begged before. I know how to beg. To plead but not like this, not to get someone into bed. Out yes but in. No. Never wanted anyone in before. Just Mike. Only Mike can make me want.

“Please?” begging.

He tries to turn away but now I’ve got him I won’t let go.

“Mike” desperate.

I don’t want him to go, but…start to doubt. Let him go. If he doesn’t want to stay…

“I’ll stay.” So soft, staring at the floor again, still. “Just…”

But he doesn’t say anything, doesn’t finish.

Reach out and touch his hand again. He flinches and instantly I pull away.

“It’s not…” looking at me now. “ I didn’t mean to scare you. I didn’t want to hurt you. I just…I’m sorry Chester.”

“I know.” Tug on his hand again.

He smiles, bemused, squeezes back.

“Alright I’ll stay.” Quiet, resigned.

“Here.” Pull him closer.

He’s smiling again.

“With you?”

Nod keep squeezing, tugging on his hand.

“Alright.”

Slides into the bed.

 

Warmth and beside me. Reach out and touch his arm, stroke tired fingers over his skin. So soft and smooth. So warm. Sudden move and I look up as he touches my jaw, leans over and soft, smooth kiss. Lips so soft and smooth but he’s gone again. Before I can…Lean forward, chase his mouth, connect and kiss. Soft, half chaste, just stroking, kissing careful. He doesn’t push me away just…his hands resting on my shoulder, stomach but eventually he pulls away.

“No…no…not tonight…not now. You need to sleep.”

“But later?”

Eyes so dark, unsure and soft, confused. Run fingers over his skin.

“Later.” A breath.

He’s agreeing. Grin. We’re going to. But later. After sleep. Maybe food, cause obsessed, all of them but later. But we will, we will, we will. Keep grinning.

“You really want to?” soft wonder.

Nod, still smiling.

“Yes.”

 

Sudden.

“Brad.” Breathing his name. “You…he…”

Fuck. Nod. Don’t try to hide it. Just…I can only hope he’s not…Hot mouth, tongue. Groan…oh god…yes…Kiss. His hands, mouth, skin! Push closer, kiss hard, desperate. Yes, yes finally yes! Hand, fingers tangled in his spikes, other hand, fingers under his shirt, skin warm and smooth and moan. Wanting him closer. Thigh rocking and arch, buck, moan. Fuck. Oh god. That’s…Hot mouth and teeth, tongue, hands sliding down my back, stroking down, shudder. Want. I want him to. But he pauses. Panting, hot, heavy. Eyes dark, pupils blown wide.

“We don’t…”

Capture his mouth and kiss, hard and deep, dirty. Flick, stroke, groan. Bite, tease, pull on his lower lip.

“Yes.” Moaning it into him. “Yes.” Rocking over his thigh.

 

Groaning as his fingers slide down, buck forward, cock hard, sliding against…he’s hard. Hiss, moan as he slides fingers in, sharp pleasure, pain, then slow. Out, sliding groaning in, rocking, teasing. Sink teeth into his earlobe, suck, breathe. He bucks, moans, slides his fingers in deeper, finds that…oh sweet…Jesus…fuck! Arch, buck, moan, gasping groan. Oh fuck…yes.

 

He runs lips over my throat, teeth, suction. His other hand is…cock, sweep of palm then up. His shirt gone, pants undone by my hands, sliding off his hips, down his thighs. Cock. Have a flash of last time, straddling, stroking him, making him cum. He moans, grinds forward.

“Fuck, yes Chester.” Pulling back to stare at me, then soft, careful kiss. “Please.” Hot and hoarse, husky, pleading. Then kiss again but slower this time as I stroke, slip, soft slide of my hand over his cock…bucking. Stroking in long slow strokes, rolling, rubbing slick, sweat, pre-cum over the sensitive head. Watching, feeling him jerk, moan. Thrust his…fingers…oh…moan, gods that’s…oh…oh...fuck…good.

 

He starts to rock. Sure, deliberate, hip over my cock, thigh spreading, pushing me open for his…oh god…fuck. Thumb over a nipple and tongue, kiss hard, fierce, pushing, pulling even as I’m pulling him, urging him on. Jesus, fuck and yes as his fingers slide free.

“Fuck.” Moaning it at him.

He doesn’t look sure. Uncertain.

“Mike.” Breathing his name out over lips, tender, so sensitive. “Fuck me.”

Feel him twitch, hips jerking forward. Moan. Grinding into my cock.

“Yes. Fuck…just…want you to fuck me.”

His lips shuddering over mine. Softest moan.

“Please Mike.” And now I’m outright begging him.

“Is it okai…like this…” watch him trying to breathe, both my thighs wrapped around his hips, grinding, moaning, driving hips up against him. He moans, tries to stay in control. “Is this alright?”

Nod. Moan as his hips force me back down, twitch into him, shudder. God so good.

“Please. Yes. Oh fuck…now Mike. Please.”

And he’s there. Watching as he rocks, short desperate, half thrusts, just pushing, not actually…until slide. Slick, shift, groan.

“Yes…Jesus…fuck.” Moaning at him.

Soft kiss, lips smooth and he thrusts in. Push. Slides deeper. Oh fuck. Pulls, rocks back, then thrusts. Deeper, harder. Pushing, rocking closer, almost. Rock up this time and fuck! Arch, cry out, grip his shoulders. He’s suddenly still but I’m…moan. Restless. Shifting. Jesus. Fuck. Don’t stop. Fuck don’t stop now. Please god don’t fuck oh…fuck…groaning as he slides again. In. Out. Fuck. Oh…deep.

 

Cause fuck, he gets it now. Not hurting. It’s not…no pain. Pant. All good. Fuck. No. Hot. Thrust. Rock. Rub. Slick slide so…oh…fuck, groan. My fingers in his hair again, pulling, closer, deeper so I can…but I’m not going to…not yet…no…moan into his mouth as we kiss.

“Mike.” Moaning his name, watch his eyes open. Just slits of black, hot, deep, so dark.

He slides back, in again, shuddering, stroking up. Fuck. Bite his lip. Harder again till fuck…I can’t…I…fuck…

“Mike…please…” buck up hard.

Want to feel it. Feel him. Watch him. As he…

“Fuck.” Crying out now. Groan, grunt, moan. Getting louder.

Shit. Jesus. I just want him to…

“Just…” clinging, lick his lip. “Please…feel it…want to…Mike.” Moaning, whimper, high and god…desperate now. So much, want to feel it, watch him…Louder gasp, groan. Grip his shoulder.

“Mike!”

And he slams in, grunts, suddenly hard and fast and fuck oh fuck fuck fucking perfect but its…he’s…there and fuck oh…fuck…throb, pulse, oh god I’m going to…he's…grinding, gripping groaning and I can…feel him throbbing, oh fuck…head falling back. Lips parted, eyes just slits then  wide, half shock and whimper moan, groan. Fuck…I…fuck fuck…shuddering, thrusting, throbbing fuck…I…fuck…clinging, falling fuck…oh…my…shuddering hips, slick, soaking. Hard, hot, slick, cuming as I can feel him…cum, cum, feeling him cum.

 

Mouth soft, sweet, stroking but breathless. Fingers, thumb. Kissing again. His fingers, hands slow, soft, stroking. Hair, shoulder, my left side. So slow, soft, nice. Soft touch warm. All good. Guess…guess I missed all this. Not just…moan soft. Kissing tease. But I never wanted this, not with Brad not with anyone…just Mike. Only ever wanted Mike.


End file.
